All throughout pregnancy, you become familiar with a certain set of questions. It usually begins like this: So, when’s the baby due?
From the moment you find out you’re pregnant: you live and breathe and hang your hat on that date. For me: July 6th. At first, it seemed so far away, like a distant dream. Now, it’s right around the corner, and hanging over me, rubbing its hands together in anticipation!
When I answer “July 6th” to people, a lot of people inhale and say, “Oh, so soon!!” And we share an exciting moment together. Then there are those who (I like to think are not blessed with my nuanced approach to calendars and schedules) say, “Oh, there’s still time!” And I laugh nervously at this response and clarify exactly how many weeks/days are left… as in… less than the number of fingers and toes I have on my person… “Two weeks from Friday” or “Two weeks and two days” or “16 days” to be exact. And then they realize, hey, that IS pretty soon! And I have to refrain from rolling my eyes, and just smile and agree.
It usually moves on to “Do you know what you’re having?” and “Are you ready for the baby?” and “What’s the nursery look like?” and more!
This nuanced approach to calendars and schedules is one of the main ways that my Generalized Anxiety Disorder manifests itself. GAD also tends to create an impulse to control the things around me. It has taken me a long time to figure out those things around me that are within my control and those that are outside of it. (This was a huge discovery for me, and it’s still a work in progress, as you’ll see) I make a really great homemaker because I have been able to channel this need for control into our home. It also helps that Martin allows me free reign to do so.
I’m free to adjust and tweak the order of our home, the organization of our belongings and the structure of our schedules when needed. I’m a planner. I try to anticipate all the outcomes on any situation and create the best plan I can, given all circumstances. I’ve gotten really good at it if I do say so myself! One of my crowning achievements in this realm is M’s and my wedding. It was AWESOME!!! I had quite a few pairs of helping hands, which I am eternally grateful for, but the plan came straight from yours truly, and it was wonderful.
But do you know what I can’t control and it’s killing me?
This baby’s arrival.
Folks, it’s nearly impossible to accept that I have absolutely no control over this process. The pace of it, the timing of it, the conclusion of it, nothing. Nada. Zip. Zilch.
But guess what? I have no choice. My doctor told me flat out last week, “At this point if you start to go into labor we’re not going to make any interventions or attempts to stop it.” So there’s that…
In the meantime, what can I do? Focus on the things I can control. I can organize diapers, wipes, and clothing over and over and over again. I can clean things like ceiling fans and baseboards. I can sterilize and resterilize all the bits and bobs that come with bottles and pacifiers and all the baby things. I can adjust all the items in the nursery as many times as I need to until it feels perfect. I can be sure that every other aspect of all the things I can control are controlled. And they are. I promise. Because I have no other choice!
Will you hang with me, while we wait this out? I need all the support I can get ❤
One thought on “Control”
This too shall pass.
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