The Dog Bath – Thursday Things

The following is a list of thoughts I have had while in the process of giving my dog a bath:

  • Ok, let’s do this. Fast and easy.
  • Please hold still
  • Let’s wet you down
  • God, I’m so glad M installed the hand-held shower head. This has removed a lot of the trauma associated with bath time!
  • Perhaps if you didn’t squirm so much, this would go a lot faster
  • Alright, we’ve poured the soap
  • “Good boy!”
  • Ok, let’s lather you up, you 20-pound stinky-stinker
  • How about you stop moving?
  • No, don’t shake yet!
  • See, when you stay still, and let me lather you, it feels good, right? It’s like a doggy massage!
  • “Good boy!”
  • What part of the “Stay” command did you miss?
  • Just because I’m lathering your tiny tooshy, doesn’t mean you should walk forward.
  • Please stay here
  • How many times have we gone through this process, you know exactly how it goes and how it turns out.
  • “Good boy!”
  • Please stop making this more difficult than it needs to be
  • Please hold still
  • Ok, stay right there while I turn the faucet back on
  • Crap, my hands are sudsy and slippery
  • No, please don’t shake yet!
  • Ugh, now I have dog shampoo in my nose
  • Please hold still, and don’t try to escape
  • Ok, here we go with the handheld faucet for a good rinse
  • I promise I’ll keep the stream out of your nose and mouth
  • Please keep your nose turned up so the water runs back, away from your eyes and nose
  • No, your nose UP
  • Ugh, now you’ve sneezed shampoo and dog snarf on my legs.
  • Ok, just because your face is rinsed doesn’t mean we’re done.
  • Oh please don’t shake again!
  • Please hold still
  • Remember, when you’re still, I can give you a good rub, it makes it more tolerable!
  • There! See, not so bad!
  • “Good boy!”
  • Please don’t shake until I get out of the———- nevermind. Again.
  • Now it’s time to dry you off, you not-stinky-anymore-stinker.
  • Ok, NOW you can shake!
  • (Looks in the mirror) Jesus. I’m not sure who had the bigger bath, him or me!
  • “Good boy!”


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