The following is a list of thoughts I have had while in the process of giving my dog a bath:

• Ok, let’s do this. Fast and easy.
• Please hold still
• Let’s wet you down
• God, I’m so glad M installed the hand-held shower head. This has removed a lot of the trauma associated with bath time!
• Perhaps if you didn’t squirm so much, this would go a lot faster
• Alright, we’ve poured the soap
• “Good boy!”
• Ok, let’s lather you up, you 20-pound stinky-stinker
• How about you stop moving?
• No, don’t shake yet!
• See, when you stay still, and let me lather you, it feels good, right? It’s like a doggy massage!
• “Good boy!”
• What part of the “Stay” command did you miss?
• Just because I’m lathering your tiny tooshy, doesn’t mean you should walk forward.
• Please stay here
• How many times have we gone through this process, you know exactly how it goes and how it turns out.
• “Good boy!”
• Please stop making this more difficult than it needs to be
• Please hold still
• Ok, stay right there while I turn the faucet back on
• Crap, my hands are sudsy and slippery
• No, please don’t shake yet!
• Ugh, now I have dog shampoo in my nose
• Please hold still, and don’t try to escape
• Ok, here we go with the handheld faucet for a good rinse
• I promise I’ll keep the stream out of your nose and mouth
• Please keep your nose turned up so the water runs back, away from your eyes and nose
• No, your nose UP
• Ugh, now you’ve sneezed shampoo and dog snarf on my legs.
• Ok, just because your face is rinsed doesn’t mean we’re done.
• Oh please don’t shake again!
• Please hold still
• Remember, when you’re still, I can give you a good rub, it makes it more tolerable!
• There! See, not so bad!
• “Good boy!”
• Please don’t shake until I get out of the———- nevermind. Again.
• Now it’s time to dry you off, you not-stinky-anymore-stinker.
• Ok, NOW you can shake!
• (Looks in the mirror) Jesus. I’m not sure who had the bigger bath, him or me!
• “Good boy!”